Broken Dreams, Better Dreams
And Joseph dreamed a dream, and he told it to his brethren: and they hated him yet the more
When I was confirmed in the Catholic Church, it ironically was about the last official rite or ritual I did in the Catholic Church, my Confirmation name was Joseph. Apparently, I did not recall this, the Confirmed selects that name of a Saint. Presumably here it was Mary's husband, Jesus' earthly Dad. I prefer the Joseph to be the Old Testament Patriarch because his story gives me so much hope. Joseph in the New Testament, is a just man--but shadowy--where he is always just off the stage of the greatest story ever told, after the Virgin Birth narrative and flight to Egypt on Donkey Air.
From what I recall, Confirmation meant that I committed to Catholicism as an intentional act because I was now at the age of reason. Around the age of 12 I think. And, I was serious about it. Little did I know what lay ahead on life's road where my understanding of faith was greatly challenged. I believed that if I did good, good would happen to me. I didn't truly understand that I was not good, and neither were other people, nor the world. Fair to say I had a simplistic view of religion and all my years in the flock of Catholicism had not caused me to drink more deeply into the theological streams of the Bible. But, then again, I was only 12.
I did not come back to faith until the age of 18 where God revealed to me my eternal personhood. I came to understand that I was an eternal soul where this life was only the preface of much more to come. When I came to see this life as a brief yet important (so very important) existence, I dedicated myself to walking through problems rather than avoiding them. Catholicism, as I came to understand it, was so convoluted and confusing and even contradictory to the Scriptures, that my reasoning called me out of it. God gives us minds for a reason and it is to reason.
Like Joseph in the Old Testament who dreamed great dreams, my dreams were tested in darkness and dungeons for years (metaphorical for me, literal for Joseph). To be fair, I think Joseph was a cocky kid. It is not stated directly in the Bible yet he was 17 with his Father's favor as the most beloved child in a motley band of brothers--and had a cool coat to prove it. Israel/Jacob loved him more because Joseph's mother Rachel had died and Joseph was a living representation from her.
I too was a cocky kid. I was too smart for my own good and had to be shown the conclusions of my pride and insolence. God's grace both shows us who we are and who He is, a just and forgiving Father. Justice causes us to flee, either away from God or into His arms. Gifts can make us resistant to grace or receptive to it. It took me quite some time to have the second.
Now, nearing 50 I can look back at God breaking my dreams to give me better dreams. His dreams for me and not my own, lest any man should boast.
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