Garden of Tears

Luke 22:44

And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

My Dad tells a tender yet very sad story of my youngest brother Matt asking him when he was coming home. My brother, probably about five at the time, didn't quite understand what Divorce meant. The context of the question was that Matt was very excited that the tomatoes out back where ripe and Matt wanted my Dad to see them. It was August and winter was waiting in the wings.

Although my Dad is not an emotional man, when he retells the story, the tears well up and his voice quivers. The innocent question of your your child striking your soul so hard that even 35 years later, the grief is still juicy and raw. Like a fresh-picked hurt tomatoe. I cleared posting this story with them because I can't presume that right without permission.

Two days ago, I was peering out my back window upon my tomatoes. I too will be leaving my house soon under a sad set of circumstances and saying farewell to the garden. Through my 6 years of toil and struggle, I have finally figured out what to grow (tomatoes, jalapeno peppers, and herbs) and how to grow it (only a few of each). The groundhogs don't like to eat what is in this garden, so no fence is needed. I used to take the quantity approach and now I am focused on quality. I take satisfaction that I have finally triumphed over the groundhogs. The salsa is among my favorite foods so it is no compromise. I have vanquished the vermin. A small victory perhaps but I celebrate.   

I busted out in tears when looking at my garden I have been doing more crying recently. My sorrow of leaving the house (all that it entails emotionally) joins with the sorrow of my Dad and Brother's story. I suppose grief is best and purest when it is not just about ourselves and our pain. Tears of grief seem to unearth and loosen deep sadness from our yesterdays. We should weep for ourselves but also weep for others. We all have our gardens of tears.

History came full circle when Jesus was in the Garden. Gardens, a place of hope and growth, the staging ground for crucifixion. Jesus was in great distress and wept heavy tears. He was getting ready to set right the fracture that Eden wrought through His own broken body. I went back and re-read Genesis 3 today about the Fall of Man. What is so very striking about the account of humanity's Fall is the utter lack of tears in the procession of events. There is a lot of excuse making and blame shifting. There is shame and nakedness but no expression of overt sorrow and repentance.

I don't know if much would have changed trajectory-wise if both Adam and Eve cried when God asked them what they had done. Come clean as guilty rather than point away from themselves. Excuses leading in time to Jesus's execution. Someone needs to take the blame. He who had no sin became sin for us.