The Garden: Life, Death, & Life Again

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane (a garden) and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray."


Matthew 26:36

Jesus prays in the garden before He goes to the Cross. The place of life becomes a place of death, and then life again. Amen.

Reader Warning: This is a long, long blog. My attempt to put the last seven years behind me.

When I lived at my previous house, the garden out back became the perfect illustration of a life going to Hell. It was over-grown, weed-infested, eliciting the rage of a punctilious neighbor bordering the property, and best of all, under an all out attack from a family of groundhogs who climbed over the fence and dug under it. Readers of this blog are well familiar with my battles with the groundhog which ultimately resulted in my just planting tomatoes and jalapenos, stuff they didn't like. Occasionally, a half-eaten tomato would be laying around, as if the groundhogs gave the fruit another chance and recalled only then that the tomato was unpleasing to their palate--as I sure the jalapenos were. I title it the "Great Salsa Compromise." Fresh salsa is among my favorite summer dishes and the groundhogs didn't share my sentiment. I no longer planted green leafy vegetables that they devoured like tourists attacking the all-you-can eat buffets here in Lancaster County. Decidedly less healthy, mind you, are those buffets.

There was a lot else going wrong at the time: Job troubles, marriage troubles, Ph.D. troubles. I was betrayed by a ministry on a lot of my college transition work that I had put over a decade into developing. They took it and then acted hurt that I called them on it. Truly pathetic and something even Pagans wouldn't try to defend. Pagans might do it with a smirk but hardly attempt to look saintly.

The harder I worked, the worse things got. And the more I worried. I have never had a particularly easy life, starting out as a premature baby almost dying at birth, being Learning Disabled, blowing my knee out ending my basketball career, parental Divorce and the after-shocks of that event. But, this new round was advanced warfare. I guess God trusted me with the conflict. I sure as hell didn't trust myself. I struggled with a great deal of anger, bitterness, and soul pain, and ultimately cynicism. I knew that I was hardly sin free but God's remedies seemed awful and harsh. I distrusted Him. Big time. I had not lost faith but it definitely was misplaced to a degree (hang in with me, it does get better, much better. At then end).    

Fighting raging fires with a piddling garden hose. I have always held a fundamental truth about difficulties: Outwork them and outlast them. I frankly got to a point that my powers became laughable. I was really puzzled about what to do next. Seemingly, there were no moves on the board. A stalemate of suffering.

I have always held suicide to not be an option. I mean I have thought about it but decided long ago that such an act of annihilation may not play out well in the afterlife--as this life is lesser and the life to come is greater. God's grace is all I can resort to when the topic of suicide comes up. I think it is wrong, yet for someone to kill themselves really is a depth of despair that is the blackest state of mind and soul imaginable. I just didn't want to take my chances and still don't. In matters unclear of such eternal magnitude, better to avoid assumptions. One of the cardinal rule of suicide when working in a school is not to hold it up as noble act, because that can create more suicides. The message we send is that the feelings are legitimate, acting on them are not. Period. Unequivocal stance. Period.

Robin Williams is a sad example of someone who lost a love for life and all of the laughter could not fill that hole. His act ultimately was not admirable, perhaps understandable, yet indefensible. Others may be more prone to act because of him, thinking, "Shit, if Robin Williams kills himself with all he has going for him, why not me who is an inch above survival?" Too whom much is given, much is expected. Robin Williams was given much. And gave a lot back, yet that legacy has been violated. So difficult to process this with compassion. No throwing stones allowed I guess. I can state my opinion and that is what it is, based on some serious reflection of the issue.

Ahem, back to the Garden (in-progress).

Then, I contracted Lyme's Disease, which certainly didn't help matters. I was in a war on so many fronts that I think I have a civilian version of PTSD. I know that is over-reaching but I was at my limit and just had to take it like a man. The groundhogs and I became land-locked in a version of the Great White Whale. Although I have not read too much of Moby Dick, I think this made me Ahab.  I have read the first part of the novel about ten times but have not gotten into the deeper waters. The Garden had initially been a source of joy, it became a potent and visible reminder of the folly of my ways and efforts. Even the Great Salsa Compromise didn't work out well entirely because I missed having the kale, green beans, brussel sprouts  and other vegetables that the filthy groundhogs enjoyed. Filthy, filthy, filthy. And vile too. And ugly. And stupid. And filthy. Yet, a nefarious foe not to be dismissed. Dislike is far too tame a word for how I feel about this life-form.

So, it was with fear and trembling, to use Soren K's term/title of book, that I contemplated initiating a garden at my new place/old place this Spring (I had lived here when I was single and rented it out when married to various degrees of success and failure...the rental of property is not easy money. The rules favor tenants, even negative ones). The townhouse does have a fence around it and groundhogs typically only attack if they know something is available. What had happened at my previous house was that the family groundhog were living under my shed (which I was initially unaware of) and short of blowing up or burning down the structure, that location proved to be difficult to police because one end of the shed had initially been a border for my first garden and the groundhogs had a field day and never forgot. And by the time I took out mommy groundhog, the rest of the family had identified the place as a great place to eat in their little pea brains, never to forget. Once that happened, the fence became just a temporary impediment to macro mandible foraging meal time. Work up a little sweat by climbing or burrowing. No big thang.

Now, to the wonderful conclusion of the story. Peace has been restored to my soul and life. The green, green garden is booming! A good snapshot of my life in August 2014. The season of great trial has passed for now but I am not foolish enough to predict anything about the future. I will leave it to that stupid animal, the groundhog and its human handlers, to prognosticate. I learned some very hard lessons along the way. I was not and am not innocent of a part of those experiences. James says that "We all stumble in many ways" and I have certainly stumbled a lot in the last 7 years. Stumbled and humbled. Not all of it was because of sin but some of it was. I feel burdened by the people I hurt along the way, almost all of it unintentionally. I could have been more charitable in the conflicts. I feel my conscience is clear of plotting a deliberate destructive attack upon others. Some bad things happened but most of it was just the result of me not know what or how to react to trials where I was learning by the fires of advanced adversity.

Here are some of the hard lessons I have learned: (I hope to put a good deal of this to rest at the end of this essay and avoid rehashing and reheating this re-tellling to the point where it is rock-hard with no new insights).The Robin Williams tragedy just has me returning to it.

- Work, employment, is going to be difficult often. In fact, the more one gets paid, the more difficult it is going to be. Problem-solving is a skill and the better one is at it, the better opportunities will avail themselves. We all whine about how hard this or that is at work or something along those lines. Be very careful about what you complain about. Try to be constructive and keep it confidential. My skills were greatly improved by the challenges of several years ago. Long story short, the economic collapse put a huge strain on families and a lot of kids moved and we faced enormous challenges in Guidance in keeping ahead of all the new registrations while doing everything else expected. We were getting hammered and there was nothing we could do but deal with it. It was like a 15 round prize fight boxing match where all I could do is stand on my feet and take out tasks one after another for months of unceasing pressure. What was unusual was a very high percentage of the students were my part of the alphabet and it defied mathematical probability.      

- Great endeavors have great costs. Don't expect others to appreciate or understand what you are going through or your sacrifices. Our own pain can make us very insensitive to the pain of others. Dreams can lead to drowning, where all of the effort invested becomes like the broken hull of a ship destroyed by a storm. You will float for survival on a piece of the wood of the wreckage and wonder why in the hell you decided to embark in the first place. Expect a lot of anger, loneliness, and despair, along the way. If God is in it, He will see you through. You will have scars as reminders of the war and there is wisdom in the wounds.

- Good friends can betray you, and because your guard is down, a lot of damage can be done. Trust that God is at work to move your mission elsewhere. If it takes a storm to rip your sails of self, believe that it has to happen the way it does. This does not excuse or exonerate the guilty but it does give one assurance that God is in control of the destiny of each person in this world. Often ministries can do evil because of the greater good argument. "Well, we are serving the Lord. So, we can stomp on you and your work. Too bad. Cheer up brother and don't be so upset." Platitudes issued to cover personal fiefdoms, protectorates of personal aggrandizement. The more influence the organization has, the more susceptible it is to not smell its own stink. Don't expect them to come clean.  David killed Uriah after banging his wife and getting her pregger when Uriah was at war. The powerful don't think the rules apply to them. God will not let the sword depart from that house and will send a Nathan to the powerful to remind them that they don't call the shots. Be humble and trust that God rectifies every wrong, either now or in eternity. I have really weighed my word here about this situation and I believe that I speak uprightly. I learned long ago to not be my own Judas and that I had a right to my own voice despite the voices of others who disagree. Too bad. That can go too far obviously but the answer is not to retreat from such confrontations.      

- In times of prosperity consider the likelihood that a trial is probably in-waiting. Avoid presuming anything. For instance, taking on a lot of financial debt these days is very unwise. I recently had a tangle with Millersville University (my Alma Mater for both Undergrad and Master's) about them tearing down three perfectly good yet basic dorms to build new ones to the tune of $ 180 million. Although the debt load is not going to be shouldered by the University legally, it is essentially going to be placed on the naive and nascent shoulders of students for decades to come. I have lost respect to some degree of M.U. for scheming this actually, using that "non-profit" front of Student Services Inc. to do the deal.

It just astounds me that the reality of our state of debt in the US is so pollyannish. It is high time that we learn once again how to live below our means, individually and institutionally. The PR rep from Millersville University, although responsive, refused to acknowledge the obvious that tearing down the three dorms and building condo-like residences hardly reflects sound fiducairy judgment. She may not understand that I have a Ph.D. in Educational Psychology, 25 years of professional experience in the field, and the like (she may have Googled me, but I didn't mention it). I didn't want to pull out my credentials on her. I wanted my presentation of the facts to speak for themselves and sadly, she did not accede to the validity of my points.

- Jesus  promises that life will be hard (John 16:33). Promises it. There is no getting around the Cross of God's will. If He has destined that in our path, the only way through is to carry it. We can avoid and evade but all that does is give us a deeper sense of despair in the end. When we are out of God's will, He does not provide peace. He cannot provide peace. We have to exist in His provision, no matter whether we like it or not. Get ready to be cast into the deep if you truly wish to learn to swim. Don't make fun the goal. At best, enjoyment and entertainment are add-ons which may or may not be on the menu agenda. Learning to appreciate simple pleasures can do a lot to minimize the terror of unexpected and unanticipated problems. We have to adjust our appetites to not expect everything to taste good. It can still be good for you. God's grace can provide both but don't presume upon it.

The bowl of blessing, from my Garden today: (good tasting and good for me!)