Chicago Blues

Two summers ago I was alone in Chicago for several days in later July. Originally, my wife and I were to have spent some time together out in the Windy City. That didn't go according to plan. She determined that she wanted a Divorce and that was that. I didn't agree with it but I also didn't beg for a second chance. Divorce is the nuclear option and I refused to negotiate with it. She had her reasons and it wasn't reckless on her part really. 

I still went to Chicago for the family reunion but spent those days following alone and in a daze. I am not here to diss' her. Suffice to say, I believe I did the best I could and my best was not good enough. I am not sure, even in retrospect, what I could have changed. I did  many unwise things but it wasn't an intentional embrace of the ways of sin. Just stupid stuff.   

Sometimes things just suck and sin certainly plays a leading role in all human conflict. My conscience is in the main clear while still acknowledging that Divorce is not cool and I must mourn over it. Yet, it is also important to move on. Not too quickly, but move on nonetheless. Christians don't worship grave-sites. 

I have prayed a lot in the last two years about things related to the marriage. I asked for wisdom during the marriage (James 1) of what to do and how to do it. Seemingly, I always came up short on wisdom. It is painful to admit that I didn't measure up. That is what it comes down to. Rejection, it is fair to say, was equal for both of us. And rejection can't be made less bitter by a chaser spirituality. The cup must be drunk in full. I have friends going through the marital mess right now and I try to hold my tongue with the advice, besides saying that I have been there. It does get better, the scars heal, yet they remain as a reminder, lest we too soon forget the lessons. I also have friends and acquaintances getting married soon and I want to warn them to not aim for too high a standard in the marital bliss category. Even the best of marriages have heart-ache. I think the Apostle Paul was wise when he counseled those intended to be married to be circumspect and careful. Loving your wife as Christ loves the Church hurts bad. Not all lovey-dovey. And unlike Christ, we fall short. 

I  felt like I lost my credibility as a Christian,, and needed to turn in my Church Card. At least put on probationary status for a good long while. The book that I labored on was almost destroyed by the process. I thought  that I had no right to speak on anything to anyone regarding relationships and that was the chapter I was stuck on for over a year during the working out of the Divorce decision. I really struggled with what to write on this topic and decided that the only way through was to speak of risk in relationships, and to note that sometimes you lose. Badly. 

It didn't help that some unsolicited pastoral counsel I received seemed to lean heavily into my fault side of things without balance. I learned that conservative churches/parachurch organizations often, and surprisingly, default to a soft patriarchy when things go wrong. Kind of like how the Catholics venerate the Virginal Mary. It takes two to tangle and let's leave it at that. My former pastor even had the audaciousness to question my faith. And that resulted in me leaving him and his church behind. Sometimes, it is wise to burn a bridge and I did that with him with zero regret. I am bitter to a degree but trust that the bitterness, like acid, is uncovering issues in my life that need to be deconstructed. People may judge me where I am but I see how far God has brought me, and I have to defend His good work in me. I have a long way to go but I also have made a lot of progress. Period. I know that this paragraph has a harsh tone...I don't want to be condemning but I want to call this issue to the table. Until we deal with the complexity of marital conflict with (usually) both people playing a destructive role, I doubt that things are going to get better. There are innocents but not typically.    

This summer I toyed with going on vacation alone. I decided to stay put because it was a short summer and I will have less than three weeks of vacation. Notes of memories of Chicago still haunt me somewhat. I remember seeing all of the seemingly happy couples and families having a great time and me feeling so very alone in a world-class city. I have no desire to relive that memory again. Instead, I worked on the townhouse, taking care of things that needed to be addressed, hung out with friends, worked out (riding the mountain bike, running, lifting), reading (many good books being worked through), and learning more about the Civil War on PCN (instructive in our current cultural Cold War). It has been great.   

God does give wisdom but not as we expect it or when we expect it. Sometimes the nails and the wood come first and what remains, is resurrected, and is much better than before. There are still scars, but I take comfort that Christ still has scars, where He took my sin upon Himself--and to the degree my scars are given to Him, His grace is given to me.