Put The Shoes On

As most of my friends and family know, I recently retired from the school counselor position of three decades. One year in a district that felt like 50 years and 29 years in a district that pretty much seemed like 29 years. That one year, a first year, was awful. I had a lot of growing up to do and immature coping patterns to break. At some point, we have to grow up. We can't keep running away. Put down roots. Not to  say that the district where I first worked was good soil. It wasn't for me and I made a decision to leave and find a better fit. And I did, thankfully. Then, I put down roots. It takes wisdom to figure out when to not stick something out.   

The first district, many of the teachers seemed to hate the kids, particularly at the middle school (I had a dual position, middle school and high school). I came to figure out later that the principal and assistant principal were not very strong administrators and the faculty, on the whole, didn't respect and like them. I was just caught in the middle. School counselors are sometimes seen as quasi-administrative and as advocates for kids, sometimes wield a degree of power and decision making that others may not like.  Fortunately, for 29 years of my career, I enjoyed teacher support. Being a teacher is a very rewarding but hard job to do well. I typically had a framework that what was good for the teacher in most cases was good for the kids. But, not always.

A principle that always guided me was if I expected something from a student, I would expect it from myself first. Model the behavior, not just give it lip service. Since I worked hard in school and earned a college degree, Master's, and Ph.D., I expected the students to do the same. If I handled disagreements and conflict in a diplomatic manner, ditto for students and staff. Even more basic, if I showed up everyday for three decades unless truly ill and gave my best, I would hold others to the same standard. I'd only take a day off if legitimately sick and not because I drank too much the night before or wanted to take a "mental health day" which I always thought was bullshit. Deal with your mental health on your own time. 

So, by the time I retired, I had accrued about 270 sick days. My district, as an incentive, reimbursed for unused sick days and this is going to pay for my health insurance for the next two to three years. But, that isn't why I didn't take sick days if not sick. Frankly, there were days where I should have stayed home and didn't and that was wrong for me to put others' at-risk. No, I didn't take days off when not sick because it was the right thing to do. It wasn't a choice of skill but will.   

This year I was waking up at 4:30 AM. We had an earlier start time and I was committed to working out  daily at 5:30 until 6:10. And, it always came down to putting these shoes on, either to run or lift. And, then out the door by 6:45 to take another day on. It was a hard year. I didn't run away. I ran to. I'd say in retrospect that I had/have a clean conscience about my career during and after. I have regrets for sure but nothing that made/makes me lose sleep. I did my best, even if it wasn't always the best that someone else could have done in my place. And that made me rest easy then and in retirement.