Consistency and Chaos

Ten years ago, I was in the dissertation phase of my Ph.D. program. My adviser kept pushing me to make changes and then make changes to the changes. Unlike the course work in the Ed. Psych. program, there was no back wall to push to work up to; it was open-ended. I took the draconian step of stating on a Sunday night on the phone to him that either my dissertation framework as it was was acceptable or I was quitting the program. It was a gamble but he backed down and at least that battle was won. The War raged on though, all around. 

At the same time, my marriage was collapsing, my job was as hard as it had ever been, I got Lyme's Disease, I was writing a book, and I was battling a groundhog family that was destroying my garden. I also had two close associates who I considered good friends, steal en masse my college transition research and over a decades worth of work, repackage it, and call it their own. They were Christians which made it especially painful. And then, the older man, an evangelical world guru, dismissed my hurt with a cursory non-apology.

I thought to myself, "Even pagans wouldn't pull a stunt like this." Or if they did, they'd at least concede that it was dirty pool. I took some solace and satisfaction that this dynamic duo had a hard and harsh falling out a couple of years later. Like two vipers biting each other. This after their college transition initiative failed as I warned them it would. They didn't listen to me. I knew their model was flawed as I had already worked on the ideas and implementation for over a decade as mentioned. 

During that two years and aftermath, everything I had worked for and was working for, collapsed like the Twin Towers. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong besides the typical human frailty stuff. I was not in open rebellion against God; He did seem to have it out for me though. Just more punishment on top of punishment.  I did some unwise things but it was never based on being rebellious. I just was at a loss. 

One night I was in such a feverish state at  2:00 am, I felt my head and heart were just going to explode from anxiety and worry. God spoke to me in my spirit as said, "Be still and know that I am God."  It was a brief word that gave me hope that God was still there, even though distant and vexing in terms of providence. 

I'd like to say that it was all happy after ever at that point, but it wasn't. I got divorced, work continued to be highly-difficult, my appendix burst, my book was a dud sales-wise. On the plus end, I did get my Ph.D., helped along by my adviser passing away and me being assigned the chairperson of the Department who was a much better fit for the dissertation part of the program. I think my former adviser and I were very much alike with many of the same strengths and weaknesses.   

There was none of that with the new adviser. He told me what to do. I did it. He accepted it. Voila. Ph.D. Was it worth it? I don't know. I lost a lot and it hasn't seemed to do much besides make me more knowledgeable about crucial college transition issues and related topics. That has helped me in my job but didn't do much to create more recognition outside of my already established small circles.  I had delusions that maybe becoming an expert on these issues might open up some platforms. No dice.

Like my New York born and raised dad says, "Not everybody can play first base for the Yankees"

I look back at the last decade with a combination of relief and sadness. I would do some things differently. But, on the whole, I am not entirely sure how I could have played the cards differently, knowing what I knew. If I could have the ability to apply the lessons I learned, then I would have probably had different outcomes. But, that is retrospection 20/20.

Consistency is easy when the wind is at our back and the sun is shining. Merrily, merrily, life is but a dream." How about when it is dark and stormy and the sails rip and the rudder snaps? What do we do then? Survive, hold onto a piece of the shattered plank of the ship, and desperately attempt to get to shore and not drown as a damn fool. Or to use the weightlifting theme, sometimes we lift the weights. Sometimes the weights come crashing down on us.   

The good of all of this is that I have distanced myself from the evangelical subculture I am officially out with zero apologies. The slavish devotion to Trump was just the final straw and I will not return to church until Conservative Christians stop providing cover for the man and his behavior. I am all for being diplomatic and ambassadors for Christ, even if the individual in office is less than a decent person (and Trump is certainly several notches below decency). Yet, to become the de facto Amen Corner is just so odious as to defy justification. So, my posture to evangelical America right now is essentially one of renouncement.  You can keep your little speaker celebrity speaker circuit, your ingrown literary guild, your mostly pathetic music, your praise bands, your spectator entertainment assemblies, and etc, and go your way. I don't care.

I still follow Jesus as best I can and have been working on a different direction for church that I am absolutely convinced models 1st century faith.  I still spend a lot of social time with Christian friends. I have no illusions that the world is always a good place like these former evangelical celebrities gone South. I am not deconstructing but reconstructing. Jesus died for sinners. That is the Gospel. And I believe it.

* Sorry about hammering the anti-Trump stuff recently. I am not backing down. I will have a well-established record of not kissing his arse from start to finish. And I am not done, until he is out.