The Hard Holidays

I have been followed by an ever-present amorphous sadness for almost my entire life. I am 51 yrs old. It varies in strength from a casual unresolvable suspicion that I will never find the joy that others do in a sunset, to the feeling that being dead might a respite and a kindness
Cause he's still coming around like an injured bird needing a nest

A place to rest his head in a song you'll regret
Still you take him, Lord knows I don't want to compete
Still I sleep in the very sheets he's been in

Swallow him whole like a pill that makes you choke, steals your soul

You have the nerve to look me in the eyes and lie
Send him back, I won't share the trap that you have me in

Is he still coming around like an injured bird needing a nest

A place to rest his head in a song you'll regret
Still you take him, Lord knows I don't want to compete
Still I sleep in the very sheets he's been in. Damien Jurado, Sheets


Contrary to what Madison Avenue and other marketers present to us about the holidays being of good cheer, this time that we are entering from Thanksgiving to Christmas can be an gauntlet of sadness and grief for many. Is Madison Avenue even the epicenter for advertising any more? Family metaphors typically don't make me feel warm and fuzzy. Like a wool blanket, I would say that my kin gives me warmth yet makes me burn and also makes me itchy and anxious. I typically spend my holidays alone is distant locale for I really don't have a place called home. Besides my villa here in Molumbia, resplendent as it is.       

 As a school counselor, I have seen over the years--as the bright light expectancy of the season arises--so does the shadow of sadness for those kids who have suffered/are suffering loss. One person's happiness only accentuates the difference of others--between the have and have nots. This doesn't necessarily correspond to income. Yet, add brokenness emotionally to brokenness financially,  then the pain is doubled-down. There is nothing noble and fun in being poor.  

 I consider it a blessing that I grew up in a wealthy enclave of America. I saw that money only multiplied misery for those souls astray. One needs a certain amount of money to feel content. More doesn't really matter. A Rolex watch tells time no better than a Seiko or a Timex for that matter. A BMW demonstrates the need of a person to communicate that he/she is elite culturally more than any automotive criteria. I bet my Civic is actually a more reliable car. Plus, I have a sweet Thule bike and boat rack on top of the roof!  

 As we crack the a Bible, sometimes we read Jesus's words in red. I don't think that is an accident, for His words portend of wounds to come. Blood shed on behalf of a broken world. From stable swaddling clothes to bloody burial cloth, sleep in these sheets of sorrow.  Become acquainted with them.

 Although modern day Christians in America seem to be more inclined to inflict harm on others versus absorbing evil--being a squeegee rather than a sponge--pushing suffering across the table to our opponents rather take it in, our ancient brothers and sisters were under no illusions that suffering was an integral of being a saint. They signed up for it. And not just their own, but the world they lived in. They paid debts they didn't incur. How far we have fallen. How much we have failed. A cross? That is for someone else! We will even help take your measurements and custom-build it for that perfect fit. Political/Spiritual gerrymandering for sure. But we got our seat on the Supreme Court!

 We want to be happy. Holiness can wait. Some of the students who suffer the most are under no illusions of the world being harsh. They see it, they experience it, they are sad. And we label that as abnormal!  I try to legitimize it. If Andy Richter (Conan's Ed McMahon) was my counselee, I would commend him for his honesty, his willingness to call it like he sees it, and he sees it well.  

 Joy is different than happiness. Joy is having peace and hope internally despite external circumstances and conditions. Joy is a strong flame that withstands the winds of adversity, happiness is dependent on the oxygen of circumstances. Easily blown out. 

 The Holidays are Hard. Face it, embrace it, expect it.     

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shake the Dust: Anis Mojgani

Pslam 90:2 "Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God." I am not real certain where Anis Mojgani comes from belief-wise. Cats like him tend to be synchrestic spiritually rather than Christ-centered. Yet, this poem captures the spirit of Jesus. What this poem also needs is grace....we shake off sin and mortality and take on Christ and immortality. This is for the fat girls This is for the little brothers For the former prom queen And for the milk crate ball players This is for the school yard wimps And the childhood bullies that tormented them Shake the dust. This is for the benches and the people sitting upon them. This is for the bus drivers driving a million broken hymns And for the men who have to hold down 3 jobs, Simply to hold up their children. For the nighttime schoolers And for the midnight bike riders trying to fly Shake the dust. For the two year olds who cann
Read more

White Shoes, White Stones

Rev 2:17 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith to the churches. To him that overcometh, to him will I give of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and upon the stone a new name written, which no one knoweth but he that receiveth it. (ASV) With the white stone mentioned above in the Scripture verse, "And will give him a white stone" it is "Supposed that by the white stone is meant pardon or acquittance, and the evidence of it; and that there is an allusion here to the custom observed by judges in ancient times, who were accustomed to give their suffrages by white and black pebbles; those who gave the former were for absolving the culprit, those who gave the latter were for his condemnation." (Clarke) What has brought about this essay was my purchasing the other day of some very white and new Nike jogging shoes. My old pair of Nike's have been worn down. I was developing serious pain in my feet which is a solid sign that it is t
Read more

Going Rogue: Dare, Risk, Dream

Image
I picked up a bumper sticker at a Pub recently from the Rogue Brewery . On it there are the words: DARE, RISK, DREAM. Typically, the word Rogue is a negative term. I will let you decide if Sarah Palin and her book has made the word less or more so. Initially, I taped the bumper sticker to my computer lap top with the backing still on it in case I wanted to remove it. Just a second ago, I committed fully, and pulled the backing off and affixed it to my Dell. No turning back. Is that not an illustration of how to accomplish great things? We have to stick and commit. If we go taping ourselves to the backs of things, it leads to easier removal but also to tepid efforts. Now, if I take this bumper sticker off the back of my lap top it is going to be a mess...I am all in. Consequences be damned. My summer vacation officially began today at noon (why else would I be blogging at 3:26 am?) and my creed for the summer is DARE, RISK, DREAM. A Kerouac quote to light the fireworks... "Great th
Read more