Bear Life Slowly

One of the big events for me work-wise yearly is being Test Supervisor for the SAT. I run the administration. I know that the test is important to kids and their parents for the attainment of goals, so I take it seriously. It weighs on me until it happens and I plan for it months ahead of time and then go full-throttle that last two weeks before testing.

It takes some wisdom and expertise to do it well but that is not the stressor for me. The big worry is the reality that something can go wrong that is not under my control and that keeps me up at nights in a cold sweat. So, yesterday before heading up to school, praying that I wouldn't get hit by another car, crash into a telephone pole by hitting some ice, or getting  a flat tire, I read a devotional, hoping that it would offer some solace. And it did.

The gist of the devotional was when one is in a stress-inducing situation, go slow. Anxiety often makes me breathe shorter breaths, walk faster, talk faster, lose myself in the haste of a situation.  Normally, I am fairly-even keeled but high-stakes testing with over a hundred kids who are very anxious themselves and in need of calmness and reassurance, makes it even more important for me to keep my wits and pace consistently.

Well, wouldn't you know it...yesterday, as the SAT was commencing, a student's car in the parking lot had its alarm go off. It was loud enough to hear in most of the testing classrooms and would have been highly disruptive the longer it blared. Perfect example of what keeps me up at night. A discontinuous event that I cannot control that winds up imposing, from the outside, an interruption issue that could affect the students adversely. It can be a real mess with incidents like this and fortunately I thought a bit about how to handle it before reacting. I knew that the testing had not actually started on the sections, that the students were still just beginning on filling out the demographic information, in the classrooms that had been closed. 

That is considered a non-crucial part of the test which can be interrupted. So, I made an intercom announcement to all of the classrooms using the "all call" function for the unknown student with the such and such car with such and such color to please have their Test Supervisor contact me at my extension. The kid was able to turn off the alarm from the classroom once he/she was alerted it was his/her car.  In the process, the kid popped the trunk too, a fact that a student told me an hour later during a break and I had to run out and shut it.

To be honest, yesterday my heart felt like it was going to give out. The pain had started the night before and continued throughout the day of testing yesterday. When I made the announcement on the intercom, I was sort of out of breath from darting up the hall, after hearing the alarm go off. We still had students to check-in, the lines were large, and I was juggling other issues. I am afraid that my voice probably was a bit shaky even though I intentionally steadied myself before picking up the phone. "Go slow, I told myself."

The picture at the top of the bear blanket above is what covers my bed. This bear blanket replaced my prior bear blanket which I had purchased during college I believe many years ago. "Bear" is my family nickname and I'd like to explain it was because I was a big and powerful kid when a child. I wasn't. I was a scrawny dude, still trying to bounce back from a hard birth where I almost died. Complications from my premature birth were harsh to deal with, but over time, with hard work and help, I made progress. The teen years were pretty rough also and that was a combo of issues I couldn't control and issues I could have but didn't. That was another series of consequences that I had to work through, all of which re-engaged some of my original challenges all over again.

No, I was nicknamed "Bear" (a name that my dad still affectionately calls me) because I carried a Teddy Bear around everywhere when a child until it became uncool and age-inappropriate in the 2nd grade. But, I do share traits with bears. I have become a big man as I matured, I don't pick fights but if someone crosses me they had better be prepared, and I try to keep to myself  because I enjoy solitude. Bears seem content to spend their days with their own or alone in a meadow eating and chilling, and perhaps playing around (I know, and crushing other smaller animals for meals in their jaws). And, how about hibernation! What a great nap. See you in March! Bears are fiercely protective of their young, and I have that instinct. I wanted the SAT to go well for the students because I care about them. 

I am aware that bears can run, but usually they are in the slow mode, no great hurry vibe. So, I can live and embrace the bear moniker. As a concluding observation before I leave these woods of words, when it came time to replace my old bear blanket because it was going the way of the world, fraying and coming apart, I was sad. I don't normally get very sentimental because when I look back I see a lot of sorrow and sadness, so I try to focus on the day and the days to come. But, the prior bear blanket had connected me to my childhood when I was in college, allowing me to disperse the clouds of depression that had obscured happier times when a child. 

For all of my challenges that I faced as a kid, I was pretty happy. And reconnecting to that child-likeness, rediscovering laughter and friendship and taking joys in simple things like a good meal or a nap or a bike ride, allowed me to be nurtured and strengthened. Jesus tells us that we need to become as children. The truth is, that we are still children, just with layers like rings of a tree of adolescence and adulthood. I think we would have a better world if we nurtured the protection of children and childhood. I hope the Middle-Eastern Muslim world lays down its bitter grievances and grudges for the benefit of the children they love. They deserve a world not wracked by violence.

It made me very sad one time to hear of this: "In Afghanistan, there are children but no childhood." Let us weep for the children  all around the world who face enormous obstacles to their well-being and who do not have the means to make it better. And by the time they are adults, the damage is so deep as to betray simple solutions and salves.   

The new bear blanket frankly is much better that it predecessor. It is bigger, silkier, more colorful. Made in the USA, it has turned out to be a fine purchase. I had this lingering idea that I would write about the two bear blankets for a while. I will often keep a writing idea in my head until I walk through it some more and try to connect it to something else larger and perhaps instructive is some manner. Be willing to give up the old for the new sometimes, but hold onto the old in your memories, for it provides the warmth of remembrance. It covers you...

What things do you need to go slow on?

What can you let go of to get something better?

Can you look back without becoming bitter?