Failing & Feeling Great

Yesterday, I pulled my Lawnboy mower out of hibernation to mow the growing grass of my townhouse estate (about 750 square feet). As was expected, the mower didn't want to wake up from its long winter sleep. It happens ever year. Lawnbear?

What was unexpected was that three hours later, after probably 250 pulls of the cord (it was showing signs of fraying) is that the mower would still not start. I had replaced the spark plug, put in fresh gas. Nada, nothing. Maybe leaving it in the shed outside had killed it. Good work-out for the right arm though.

I am sure the neighbor who had stolen my recycling bin earlier in the week saw my dogged and even over-the-top persistence in action. I may be many things but I am not a "Pussy" as he called me after I caught him red-handed with my bin. Surprisingly, he had gone on the offensive after I called him out on it. He asserted that I was being unreasonable making a scene about his thieving.I pointed out that stealing a recycling bin hardly made him look sterling and for him to not make it my problem. I was irritated by his lack of ownership. If he admitted being in the wrong, I would have dropped it.

Kind of like the loons in BMore destroying the CVS as if it was some type of political statement rather than their own lack of fundamental respect for private property. That being said, the 99% black people in BMore who were innocent of any crimes don't deserve the broad-brushed social media animus from stupid white people. Now the elderly and sick cannot get their medication, parents can't get diapers. So there! You taught corporate America that it is not worth their time to build in poor neighborhoods. A desert of your own making to some degree. The innocents suffer all the more.

With the recycling bin, it really was the principle of the matter. Neighbors should protect each others' backs--not steal behind them. I told him to not be a "dick." I had anticipated that he would come clean and admit his stealing ways and sheepishly close his door. Instead, he got in my face, culminating in the "Pussy" comment.

I can't say that I felt Christian love for the man but I did walk away from his obnoxious and insulting comment. It was the right thing to do because revenge gets recycled over and over again at higher levels of negativity. He had shown himself to be dishonest. I think he was trying to regain a shred of his dignity and saving face by his insults after being caught in the act which reflected very poorly on him as a person. I doubt he now thinks I am a pussy. A crazy nut case maybe after the hours of pulling on the lawn mower cord. I don't mind him thinking me a bit off. People don't tend to tangle with those who they consider "touched" (a street term for being psycho). Especially at 6'8" 250 lbs.

At some point, I plan to approach him after the memories heal of the encounter and try to have a civil discussion with him on the inadvisability of stealing neighbors' stuff, not owning up to it, going on the offensive, and pouring out invective. Frankly, a big dude like me--man on man with no weapons involved--could put a dude like him in the hospital. Unless he has martial arts training--which I doubt because he lacks discipline--it would be an ugly fight.

Where I erred, an it was an error, was that I didn't calculate on the man being an ass. When I saw that he had removed the duct tape from the recycling bin where my address had been written in indelible black magic marker, tape that had been on it that morning, I got pissed about his active dishonesty. I was willing to meet him halfway and believe that maybe he had taking my recycling bin accidentally at first but he had compounded his guilt by his duplicity. I was not cool with that at all.

I have a hard time believing that Jesus would look the other way when others' steal. It is one thing to give away one's goods willingly, after being asked. It is a decision. It is another issue altogether to steal something and then try and sanctify doing so retrospectively. A disrespect for private property is a thread that unravels communities and the common good and civil order is dependent on non-negotiables. Like the Ten Commandments.      

So, after I got to the point where I no longer felt it useful to try and start my lawnmower, I wheeled it out back and watched a few YouTube videos about how the clean the carburetor, I went about it. Long story short, I lost a very small piece of the carb in the long grass which resulted in the contents of the gas tank to dribble out until empty (I had caught most of the gas in a trash can lid). Before I called it a day, I pulled all of the surrounding grass out trying to locate this proverbial needle in a haystack. No luck. I was defeated by my lack of mechanical prowess once again.

See the pic above, the grounds of my Waterloo.

Yet, I was really glad I had tried to clean the carb. I had failed but so what? The lawnmower was already not working nor showed any inclination that it was going to. It was already headed to the shop and one small piece is hardly going to cost much from what I know. It may be part of a kit and that could cost me more than I think. However, I looked at the experience not as a defeat. In fact, it was a moral victory of sorts. I had taken on something difficult. I had not succeeded.

For the last five years or so I have had a lot of failure sink into my bones like radiation: A failed marriage, a book on the college transition totally flop in sales, and a "ministry" that stole my college transition work and ideas and appropriated it as their own. Through these three harsh and humbling experiences, I have become gun-shy about risk-taking because all three things had been too much risk and not enough reward. The old R. and R. The one exception has been mountain-biking which is just so much fun. And dangerous.

What was great about yesterday was that I didn't have to retreat from my lack of success or try and defend what I did to any third party. I smoked a cigar out back after washing the gas from my hands and sipped bourbon. I was elated that I had been consumed by the jaws of failure and really didn't give a damn.  

I am actually considering trading in the lawn mower for one of those old school grass cutters not powered by gas but human effort only. I am increasingly mistrusting our mechanized and digitalized world. All of our technology is alienating us from simpler ways where it is clear why something works or doesn't work. Our smartphones are making us idiots, like the clown who cut the firehose down in BMore and probably had his fellow dumb-asses post it to YouTube.

As a final point, my petty thief neighbor is a white guy. I try to avoid prejudging anyone and call it like I see it black, white, or whatever color a person is. I could care less. In the debate on the BMore destruction there has been a fundamental lack of honesty from both the Right and Left concerning the events. Are some cops tyrants? Yes. Are there deep systemic problems and issues at play in the inner city that transcend personal choices? Yes. Do inner city people need to assume some responsibility for their squalor and sin? Yes.

The normally civil CSPAN yesterday had a program of a black conservative woman and a black liberal man jaw at each other regarding Baltimore. Both were right yet both were wrong. Neither was willing to concede that each only had a piece of the perspective. They were not being openly dishonest but intentionally partial in their attestations and assertions. It was disheartening. When CSPAN begins to resemble Fox News or MSNBC, we are in grave trouble and risk talking past each other rather than to each other.

The Truth shall set us free, as Jesus spoke.