Of Two Cups

I watched a fascinating documentary this morning titled "Of Two Minds." It is available as an instant download on Netflix. It is the personal stories of several individuals, and their loved ones, on the highs and lows of being Bipolar. It was heart-wrenching with some humorous pathos and a good deal of narcissism.

One of my theories is that at least some people have mental health disorders because they are essentially self-focused. Much of this arises out of prior trauma that was and is real and damaging. Pain is a very ego-centering and cementing experience. Yet, this pain now creates a internally-driven compulsion to think of oneself a lot--and that can make anyone crazy.

I found myself admiring the people in the documentary a great deal but also tiring of their lament.

C.S. Lewis said it well, "Christianity does not call us to think less of ourselves, but to think of ourselves less." I know that when I dwell on myself, nothing good comes from it. It is a preoccupation that becomes an occupation. A full-time job with no over-time pay. Be careful of drinking from the well of the salty self. It does not satiate, it does not slake. Instead, one just gets thirstier and thirstier. The mirage of Me.

Recently, I have come to drinking both a bitter cup of coffee and whole milk mug every morning, side-by-side. I know some people like to blend the two and then call it something like a Latte or Cafe Con Leche. I prefer to have the polarity externally, a ping-pong of taste, where I go from one side to the other. Bitterness is appealing because it awakens my senses. A wake-up call. The milk is the consoler. Maybe it is paternal/maternal, yin/yang. The paradox of both make a whole and illustrate that one without the other is imbalanced.

Some have more bitter than base in their lives through no fault of their own. I think that the greatest tragedy in the world is when children suffer before they have the tools to cope. Instead, the kid just has to endure years and years of abuse before having the opportunity to respond and reset. And perhaps fight back against the malevolent and mendacious individuals and groups who have damaged them. No, it isn't fair, right, or in any way justified. If God gives me the opportunity in the hereafter, I hope to get a showing of how this turned out to be good and to His glory. Maybe we get to see sin for what it is. That's it.

I think most of us wonder about such but are afraid to ask. Unfortunately, when we don't acknowledge our questions, there is little chance that we are going to get understanding. James writes that if we lack wisdom, we should ask of God and He will give it generously. Well, I have asked for wisdom about many a thing and all I got back was silence. Nothing. No explanation. Not yet. God is not a gumball machine and James makes no statement regarding the timing and delivery of wisdom. It may wait, it may be a while, we may get it in pieces. Some things we may never know.

James does warn us to not be double-minded like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the winds, churning out questions without consideration. But, I don't think that all of our doubts are driven by double-mindedness. That casts too much blame on those who have been cast into the oceans of trauma and cry out for help honestly and in the hope that they may be heard.