Shoveling 101

Ye people of Israel saith unto the Lord God, "We are not satiated by mere daily dustings. We desireth deep snow." So the Lord God sent a blizzard and the people's tongues froze in thy mouths because their insolent faces were fillethed with snow. 

Starting to feel like the Israelites in the desert who tired of manna and so God sent quail. And they choked on the meat. The pent-up prayers of school children in Pennsylvania for snow days for so long denied "Lord, how long?"  has been answered in full and then some. Summer vacation is going to be a three day weekend. Ye want snow? Choke on this...

The advantage is that I believe Central Pa. can put in a credible bid for the Winter Olympics like Sochi, and our water is drinkable and hotel rooms are a lot nicer. And Bob Costas could get better medical treatment for his pink eye rather than two shots of vodka and call me in the morning.    

Since I was raised on the mean 1/4 mile driveways of suburbia, I have some shoveling cred. And you thought I could only shovel words. I also have some solid grass mad mowing skills but by the way it looks, we may not need to cut grass this summer. I see my neighbors use all kind of poor tools and techniques when shoveling. Because I am a coward, I don't want to instruct them. The fact that I start after them and finish shoveling the driveway ahead of them, should be example enough of my superior strategy.

I should also note that I am also like a polar vortex John Henry, mighty in bodily power. My neighbors, 50 year old women, never really have a chance, unless equipped with a snow blower. I shall not race that piece of equipment, learning the lesson of John Henry well.

The primary strategy of snow shoveling is to divide and conquer. One must cut the heart out of the vile snow beast by first creating a clear path right through the driveway. See picture for an example. Then, one shovels sideways against the side of the driveway, thus piling the snow sufficiently and easily. Plowing openly without backing is an energy waster, akin to trying to swat a fly out of the sky. Better to use a surface backing for the book-ending of the snow.

Next, it is important to not let the snow pile up. At some point, the piling snow creates more work beyond a 1:1 ratio. For example, shoveling 6 inches of snow is not 3x as hard as shoveling 2 inches of snow. There is a factor in there. Kind of like a classroom of teenagers. Teaching a class of 25 is not 1/5 easier than a class of 30. Once a class is above 25, there is a multiplying chaos of each kid relating to each other that is compound disinterest. Malcolm Gladwell, in his new book David and Goliath, expounds in depth on the disadvantages of too small or too large of classrooms.

Finally, having an aching back is common after shoveling snow. It is a good idea to do 25 or so bended-knee sit-ups after finishing. No herky-jerky. Most episodic back pain is not structural in nature, at least that seems to be the case for me. I know Chiropractors believe differently. No, my pain comes from muscle strain and a a good chunk of sit-ups completed soon after back muscle-exertion tends to stop the spasms before they set-in. Interestingly, the spine will crack, but is the effect rather than the cause. I find that if I can get my back to crack domino-like down the vertebrae, then I have worked out the stress.

Feel free to share these helpful tips with friends and neighbors.